![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
[spoken recording]
Jan. 21st, 2009 09:07 amTime heals all wounds. Perhaps... perhaps not. Time gives distance to think though. Which I've been doing. It's been like... three months now, I think. I'm not sure really, since Kale and Tobias left. Tobias went home and got his leg fixed. And Kale went somewhere else.
I don't know where he went. It hurts not knowing.
But it's given me time to think about myself and about what happened over the past couple of years. It was fine in the beginning but then it changed when I found Kale. No, he'd already changed a little. There's no one to blame for it. I could blame Carcer or Tobias or Revan or even my father or myself. I could blame the Force for it too. Kree'sha. I think it's one of those things that just doesn't have any blame to attach. It just happened.
Perhaps if things were different, but they're not, so I shouldn't think about it.
Kale wasn't Kale... no, that's not right. Kale was Kale, but a very changed Kale. His Force powers re-emerging along with his psychometry in Revan's house, absorbing all of that. Before that with Zhin-Ja and whatever happened there. He never told me, but I never saw him so angry at a person before. I never saw him know another person before.
He was angry, surrounded by gray and dark siders, absorbing things and then he just got completely overwhelmed. He became someone else with all those different minds in his head. I don't think who he was ever came back. I think he died that day when Tobias cut him off and someone else was left. Someone who only called himself Kale because that's what we called him, who had Kale's memories.
It's probably just wistful thinking on my part though. Kale was Kale. A very hurt down to the soul Kale. Tobias hurt him. Good old noble Tobias. I thought for a while Tobias did it so he'd have someone like him around. I know that's wrong now. Tobias wouldn't hurt a fly if he could help it.
He wants to save the whole world.
What happened, I think, was just the opposite. I think Kale wanted Tobias to hurt as much as he did and I think ... I don't know... I think he did what he could to do that. When he wasn't trapped in his own head and his nightmares. There's no way I can ever know what goes on in his head any more. I don't want to know. I may never know. I may never see him again, him having slunk off into the universe without saying good bye, and me without a way to track him.
I just wish now I knew what to do with my life. It always seemed so clear before, and now I have nothing. No path in front of me. No map or ship.
Force... I just. I just want to get so drunk I can forget all this.
I hate feeling so rudderless and useless.
I don't know where he went. It hurts not knowing.
But it's given me time to think about myself and about what happened over the past couple of years. It was fine in the beginning but then it changed when I found Kale. No, he'd already changed a little. There's no one to blame for it. I could blame Carcer or Tobias or Revan or even my father or myself. I could blame the Force for it too. Kree'sha. I think it's one of those things that just doesn't have any blame to attach. It just happened.
Perhaps if things were different, but they're not, so I shouldn't think about it.
Kale wasn't Kale... no, that's not right. Kale was Kale, but a very changed Kale. His Force powers re-emerging along with his psychometry in Revan's house, absorbing all of that. Before that with Zhin-Ja and whatever happened there. He never told me, but I never saw him so angry at a person before. I never saw him know another person before.
He was angry, surrounded by gray and dark siders, absorbing things and then he just got completely overwhelmed. He became someone else with all those different minds in his head. I don't think who he was ever came back. I think he died that day when Tobias cut him off and someone else was left. Someone who only called himself Kale because that's what we called him, who had Kale's memories.
It's probably just wistful thinking on my part though. Kale was Kale. A very hurt down to the soul Kale. Tobias hurt him. Good old noble Tobias. I thought for a while Tobias did it so he'd have someone like him around. I know that's wrong now. Tobias wouldn't hurt a fly if he could help it.
He wants to save the whole world.
What happened, I think, was just the opposite. I think Kale wanted Tobias to hurt as much as he did and I think ... I don't know... I think he did what he could to do that. When he wasn't trapped in his own head and his nightmares. There's no way I can ever know what goes on in his head any more. I don't want to know. I may never know. I may never see him again, him having slunk off into the universe without saying good bye, and me without a way to track him.
I just wish now I knew what to do with my life. It always seemed so clear before, and now I have nothing. No path in front of me. No map or ship.
Force... I just. I just want to get so drunk I can forget all this.
I hate feeling so rudderless and useless.
